Congratulations to you and your partner on having decided to register and celebrate your union. This page is designed to give you some help and advice. It is a guide to thinking about planning a religious ceremony for a same gender couple. Although it can not cover every possibility, it is intended to help you consider certain issues.
The Ceremony
The law in the UK was changed at the end of 2005, so that gay and lesbian couples who wished to register their union with the civil authorities, would be recognized as having substantially the same legal rights as a married couple. Such couples now have the option of having a religious ceremony following the completion of their civil registration. This applies whether the individuals in a couple are both Jewish, or one of them is not Jewish. The location for such a ceremony can be in any suitable place. Amongst many options, the following have been used: homes, hotels, pubs, clubs, country houses, galleries, mountains, castles, museums, zoos, boats and on beaches. The form of the ritual should be worked out in advance, but each ceremony can be unique, original. It should be considered, not as a Jewish marriage ceremony, but as either a "Service of celebration", "Commitment ceremony", or the "Blessing of a union."
For couples outside of the UK, a religious ceremony can be arranged, regardless of whether the country you live in, officially recognizes such unions. However, a religious ceremony will not provide any legal, or civil recognition, or rights.
Options
Some couples want a ritual which is very close to a traditional Jewish marriage ceremony. This is possible with the exception that a traditional ketubah (marriage document), is not used. A similar document for same gender couples does exist and is available, usually through a search on the internet. It is not customary to say the traditional words, "By this ring I betroth you to me according to the laws of Moses and Israel." However, a couple may wish to make alternative declarations when exchanging rings. All the other parts of Jewish wedding ceremony can be included, such as the 7 marriage blessings, the use of a wedding canopy, and the breaking of a glass. When looking at locations, consider how you will make your entrances and exits as well as considering how it will fit in with the rest of the day's activities. For some couples, a ritual is required which recognises that both have strong beliefs in different traditions. These needs may be met by one of three ways. Having the other religious ceremony first, followed by a Jewish ceremony, or vice-versa. Having one ceremony in which there are two officiants, thus reflecting both religious traditions. Having a ritual at which a Rabbi officiates, but which incorporates readings, or music from a variety of sources, these need not be all religious. There is no difficulty in devising a ceremony in which members of the family and friends can also take an active part. Ceremonies have taken place at which sisters have played musical instruments and brothers have sung, fathers have read poetry and mothers made moving speeches.
Music
Most rabbis do not have a trained musical voice, although they may still be competent singers. Some couples may wish in addition, to have other musicians and/or a choir. This should not be a problem. Some couples have opted for klezmer music at the ceremony, while other elect to have music of their choice from a tape, record, or CD. played through a suitable PA system. You will need to give careful thought about such matters and whether microphones and a sound system will be required, particularly if the ceremony is being held out of doors.
Video & Photography
There is no objection to the ceremony being video recorded, or having a professional photographer present. However, a certain amount of discretion is called for, so that it is not too intrusive during the ritual. It may be a good idea help to let any cameramen know what is going to happen, so that they can find a good vantage point. If you are making a video of the ceremony it is important to let any musicians be aware that they may be recorded during the ceremony and that they have no objection.
What Happens Next ?
A couple should arrange to meet a rabbi as soon as possible to discuss their ceremony. If this is not possible because of time, or distance then other arrangements will need to be made. However, it is of considerable help to meet a couple a few times before a ceremony takes place. The last meeting should take place 6-8 weeks before the ceremony. Ceremonies can not take place on the Sabbath, or Jewish Festivals, nor usually in a Church, or Synagogue. Bookings are normally accepted in the order in which they are received and confirmed.
Ideally, you should have a civil partnership ceremony, before the Jewish religious ceremony. However, this is not obligatory and may not be available in all countries.
You must take out insurance to cover any accident, or unforeseen loss, or misadventure on the day. Although every care is taken, situations may arise which make it impossible for me to attend the ceremony.
ADDITIONAL
INFORMATION
Children
You do not have to give any undertaking as to which
religion you should bring up any children, although some
rabbis, or clergy of other faiths may have such
requirements. According to Jewish law, the child of a
Jewish mother is Jewish. In the UK, Liberal Jews and in the
USA the Reform movement, will recognise as Jewish, any
child with at least one Jewish parent. Such a child must
also be brought up in a Jewish home and receive a Jewish
education. Israel's law of "Right to Return," recognises
that Jews have an automatic right to citizenship in Israel.
The civil authorities have shown themselves to be
reasonably flexible in this matter in cases where Jewish
identity can not be completely confirmed, but the religious
authorities are more rigorous in their application of the
law. Sometimes parents have found it difficult to accept
the choices made by a son, or daughter, or feel unsure
about a Rabbi who is willing to officiate at such a
ceremony. In such cases, a rabbi may be open to meeting
parents to discuss the situation.
Education
Experience shows that it is the person for whom
religion is most important, who is most likely to take on
the responsibility of the religious education of any
children. It is important to teach children that their
parents and grandparents may have different religious
traditions, or even that they have none. Such honesty
avoids later confusion. If both parents believe that their
religion is equally important, then it seems only right
that both religions are practised in an equal and positive
atmosphere. This will not confuse children, providing their
questions are answered and explanations given within their
ability to understand. This will change as they
grow.
Giving children no religious tradition, or spiritual
home is to deprive them of their inheritance from their
parents. It may also indicates that it is an issue which
the parents have not resolved, or worked out and this may
be an on-going strain within the family.