Congratulations to you and your partner on having decided to get married. This page is designed to give you some advice and explanation about ceremonies celebrating the union of mixed faith couples. It should be considered as a guide in planning your ceremony. Although it can not cover every possibility. It is intended to point out some of the things you need to consider.
The Ceremony
In most EU countries, and in Jewish law, only two heterosexual Jews can be married to each other in a synagogue. If one person in a couple is not Jewish, they can not be married. This means that if you want your marriage to be recognized by the state, you must first have your union recorded in a civil ceremony at registry office. In countries where this is not possible, (such as Israel,) you may consider having a legal ceremony elsewhere. In most cases it will be accepted by international law. After such a ceremony has taken place it should be possible to have a religious ceremony. The location for this can be in any suitable venue. Amongst many options, the following have been used: homes, hotels, pubs, country houses, clubs, galleries, mountains, castles, museums, zoos, boats and beaches. The form of the ritual will be worked out in advance, but each ceremony can be unique, original and an imaginative response to a couple's situation. It should be considered not as a Jewish marriage ceremony, but as either a "Service of celebration," or the "Blessing of a union."
Options
Some couples want a ritual which is very close to a traditional Jewish marriage ceremony. This is possible with the exception that a traditional wedding document (ketubah,) is not used. A similar document for mixed faith couples exists and can be bought in the UK, or from internet sites in Israel and the USA. To see examples of different styles of Ketubot, look at http://www.jessyjudaica.com There are many other sites offering other examples. The groom will not be asked to say to the bride the traditional words, "By this ring I betroth you to me according to the laws of Moses and Israel." However, a couple may wish to make an alternative declaration when exchanging rings. All the other parts of Jewish wedding ceremony can be included, such as the 7 marriage blessings, the use of a wedding canopy (Chuppah,) and the breaking of a glass.
For some couples, a ritual is required which recognises that both have strong beliefs in different traditions. These needs may be met by one of three ways.
* Having a Buddhist, Christian, Hindu, Muslim, Shinto, Sikh, Taoist, or other religious ceremony first, followed by a Jewish ceremony.
* Having one ceremony in which there are two officiants, thus reflecting both religious traditions.
* Having a ritual at which a Rabbi officiates, but which incorporates readings, or music from both traditions. There is no difficulty in devising a ceremony in which members of the family and friends can also take an active part if they wish to do so. There have been ceremonies at which sisters have played musical instruments and brothers have sung, fathers have read poetry. There have also been celebrations at which family and friends have done their party pieces and provided entertainment rather there just relying on speeches, after the ceremony.
Music
Most rabbis do not have a special training as singers, although they may still have a reasonable voice when doing so. Some couples may wish to engage additional musicians and/or singers. Couples may opt for Klezmer, Sephardi, or Israeli music at their ceremony, while other couples elect to have music of their choice from a tape, record, or CD. played through a suitable PA. system. You will need to give careful thought about such matters, including whether microphones and a sound system will be required. This may well be the case, if you are considering having your ceremony out of doors.
Video & Photography
You will need to consult with your rabbi, whether there is any objection to the ceremony being recorded on video-tape, or to having a professional photographer present. If this is permitted, a certain amount of discretion is called for, so that it is not too intrusive. If you are having a traditionally based ceremony, you may find it a help to inform any cameramen of what is going to take place prior to the ceremony, so that they know what to expect and can prepare accordingly. If you are making a video of the ceremony it is important to let any musicians, or other participants be aware that they may be recorded during the ceremony.
What Happens Next ?
A couple should arrange if possible to meet me a rabbi as soon as possible to discuss the options. If this is not possible because of time, or distance then other arrangements can be made. However, it is of considerable help for all concerned to meet a few times prior to the ceremony taking place.
Once you know the date, time and location of the religious ceremony, you will be asked to complete a booking form to return it with a deposit. Only dates for which a deposit has been paid, can usually be reserved. Bookings are normally accepted only in the order in which they are received. Deposit are usually non-refundable under any circumstances.
Ideally the last meeting between the rabbi and couple will take place 6-8 weeks before the ceremony.
You must be married in the legal ceremony, before the Jewish religious ceremony.
You must take out insurance to cover any accident, or unforeseen loss, or misadventure on the day that the ceremony takes place. Although every care is taken, situations may arise which make it impossible for rabbis to attend the ceremony, due to circumstances beyond their control, such as traffic congestion, or flight delays.
ADDITIONAL INFORMATION
Children
You
may be asked to give some undertaking as to which religion
you will bring up any children. However, not all rabbis
require this. According to Jewish law, the child of a
Jewish mother is Jewish. In the UK Liberal Jews (in the
USA, Reform Jews,) will recognise as Jewish, any child with
at least one Jewish parent. Such a child must also be
brought up in a Jewish home and receive a Jewish education.
Israel's law of "Right to Return," recognises that Jews
have an automatic right to citizenship and to live in
Israel. The civil authorities have shown themselves to be
reasonably flexible in this matter, regarding those who are
not strictly Jewish, such as the partner, or child of
someone who is Jewish, or where the religious status is
either not clear, or can not be easily proven. However, the
religious authorities are more rigorous in their
application and understanding of the law. However,
attitudes are liable to quickly change and not always for
the better.
Sometimes parents have found it difficult to accept the
choices made by a son, or daughter, or feel unsure about a
Rabbi who is willing to officiate at such a ceremony. In
such cases, a rabbi may be open to meeting parents to
discuss the situation.
Education
The
person for whom religion is most important, is also the one
who is most likely to take on the responsibility, for the
religious education of any children. It is important to
teach children that one of their parent's and grandparents
may have different religious traditions, or even that they
have none. Such honesty avoids later confusion. If both
parents believe that their religion is equally important,
then it seems only right that both religions are practised
in an equal and positive atmosphere, at home. This is not
likely to confuse any children, providing they are given
explanations and re-assurance as they grow and their
capacity to understand evolves. Giving children no
religious tradition, or spiritual home may deprive them of
a part of their inheritance. It may also indicate that it
is an issue which the parents have not faced, or worked
through and which may be an on-going strain within the
family.